Exploring the Principles of Wholistic Restoration Part 2: Relational
In this area, we focus on the closest relationships those who are suffering have, have lost, or someday want to have. This is where family reunification comes into play. In most cases, people who find themselves in extreme poverty have burned a lot of bridges. That is especially true for men. Parents, spouses, children, siblings and close friends have possibly all told them, “I’m done with you,” or, “You can’t be in our lives anymore.” The relational rebuilding that needs to take place while restoring a broken life is something that requires a tremendous amount of help.
I have found that when kids are involved, these wounds run especially deep. Extreme reactions can take place in these very sensitive relationships. As a result of drug and alcohol abuse and a prison sentence, one man lost contact with his daughter, and his response upon release was to demand that he be back in her life without going through the restorative processes necessary for that to happen in a legal and healthy way. Another lost contact with his daughter due to drug and alcohol abuse and the relationship with her mother breaking down, and his response was to believe the lie that maybe his daughter was better off without him. Both examples are of typical and highly emotional responses that will need relational attention, so be prepared.
The restorative process has to begin with these relationships that have been torn apart if there is any chance of experiencing reconciliation and reunification. In the Change for the Poor process we do believe in working with married men and women and will consider allowing limited contact in those relationships in Phase 2, whereas new romantic relationships are not allowed until Phase 3. For those who are married and entering a restorative process, a good portion of their deep pain and heartbreak has likely come from what they did or said to their spouse or from what their spouse did or said to them. Please note, it is important to gauge any levels of codependency and/or toxicity. There is no way to engage their restorative process without working through how these relationships are impacting them, because even if the other person isn’t present in their life physically, it does not mean the person isn’t still present in their hearts and minds daily.
In the Restoration Program, the primary tool in the relational belt is counseling. We are blessed to have a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), and oftentimes, we have counseling interns from local universities who work privately with the men and women and take the time to dig into those relational heart wounds in a confidential setting. The LPC analyzes family trees to help them understand if destructive cycles in their lives have been generational in their families. This provides insight as to why the same struggles and situations have continued to bring broken relationships and poverty.
The men and women do sign a Release of Information (ROI), allowing the counselor to talk with key chaplains should there be anything that might hinder their participation in the program. Thankfully, the times the LPC and chaplains collaborate in those types of cases are rare and the program men and women feel very free to open up in the counseling environment in virtually every case. We’ve seen that men and women coming out of extreme poverty often have endured such personal and traumatic circumstances that they will not share them in a class, group, or even in a one on one meeting with a chaplain or pastor. In most cases, the counseling environment is the best setting for repressed and deep trauma to be processed. If you cannot afford to have an LPC on staff, then attempt to find volunteer counselors or budget for those you serve to receive counseling and require it.
We also ask the men and women to start banking social capital by reaching out and developing as many relationships as possible in the community so that when they graduate, their circle of influence is greater than just us. There are a required number of service and outreach event-type projects that help teach how important it is to have a relationship with their community.
Other book recommendation:
Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend helps both men and women learn how to say no and to protect themselves from codependency and other toxic relational tendencies that are common in addiction, criminal life, and generational poverty.
About Mark McKnelly
Mark McKnelly is an author, motivational speaker and wholistic life restoration minister and coach. McKnelly develops and helps other organizations develop programs for men and women reentering society from incarceration or recovering from addiction. He shares his practical process in his book Change for the Poor to teach others how to help individuals in extreme material and relational poverty restore their own spiritual, relational, personal, vocational and financial lives. His personal journey through addiction and recovery led him to his ministry.